I found this on the pen drive, I had completely forgotten about it. Reading it now makes me realise how far my writing has progressed since then. I remember the day I wrote it, it was a weekend, the first of the month and it had been a particularly stressful morning. It had just been POS change and the systems had not been correctly updated, of course being in store support for their IT and sales issues meant we were bombarded with calls and despite it being a busy day weekends were never as well staffed, there were 4 people on the help desk and me on the IT support side. Our team generally didn’t answer calls, our team had IT issued passed over to us (either via call or log after the initial troubleshooting had been attempted, or passed straight over in busy times) and we did further trouble shooting. However as I (always) arrived at work an hour before my shift I had cleared the software issues, till builds etc from the night before, anything I could resolve remotely had been done and all the issues I couldn’t resolve software wise had been sent to the necessary teams. So I kindly assisted on the phones knowing that calling stores to troubleshoot issues could wait as the people on the inbound calls were understaffed getting hammered.
Until the company closed I was the voice of the IVR, it was me who any store calling through had to listen to in order choose the option relevant to their issue. On this day I had also placed an emergency one on regarding the issue with the POS offers not being updated (as soon as it was brought to our attention), the solution, and reassurance the store GP etc would be corrected, it was a message that could not be skipped. In addition to the IVR message I had also sent out a pop up to each store PC. (now that was an awesome program) stating the same thing as the IVR, which the store staff had to click ok on in order to continue whatever they were doing, then there were the text messages to the Area Sales Directors, and finally an intranet update on the current issues page. Not to mention trying to contact the retail team and 2nd line to try and get the issue rectified. All this was done while still answering the calls, but did this stop them calling through? No. The screen displayed a waiting queue of at least 20 calls which despite answering them at top speed and repeating the message on the ivr, never seemed to reduce.
Finally, a few hours later they began to get the idea, probably because we must have spoken to at least one person in every store. I took my 15 minute break, which was the only one I was going to get that day, (which didn’t matter as I normally worked through them anyway) at my desk and ate my sandwich. This was the result. It was enough to once more put me in good spirits.
“Surrender now and I will promise you a painless death.” The guard stood on his tiptoes as he held his sword to the Dark Lord’s throat, his hand was firm with the confidence of his victory. Little did he know his approach had not been as undetected as he congratulated himself for.
“I would promise you the same, but I would be lying” He answered coldly, his body almost seeming to vanish with the speed of his actions as he side stepped the blade to grab the guard’s hand. A scream of torment filled as his once healthy limb began to show the signs of age at the Dark Lord’s touch. Satisfied with his action the white haired villain released his attacker to allow him a moment. The guard screamed in pain stumbling backwards, gripping his limp limb as it began blacken and shrivel. He cowered under the stare of the great Lord, only now did he realise he had played right into his hands. “Now if you don’t mind, you have something I need.” The Dark Lord stated taking whimpering guard’s healthy hand, he looked down at the pathetic snivelling creature pulling the limb clean from his body. Alarm bells sounded across the base, it was about time they realised they had arrived.
“So much for the silent approach.” Kamiya smiled as she jumped down from the floor above in time to see the screaming figure of the guard reduced to dust. She wiped the blood from her sword across the leg of her trousers before replacing it into its sheath. She looked from the Dark Lord to the pile of dust, smiling slightly as she scooped some up to place into her pocket.
“Sorry, I guess that would be my fault” Arora seemed to step from thin air as she appeared besides them, “my guy was rigged to the alarms, as soon as he moved, that was it, they went off”
“He had chance to move?” Dark Lord questioned.
“Not as such my Lord, but when I removed his hand…” she waved it at him smiling. “Besides, you were never one for the silent approach”
“True, true, but these people are so beneath my skills.” He clicked his fingers incinerating a group of soldiers who thought they were doing a fine job of sneaking up on the talking party.
“But why do it this way, I mean…” Kamiya paused as she flicked some paper between her fingers, she released it into the air along with some of the dust from the body, a huge explosion rang out above them, several corpses fell from above as the balcony, where they had been reading their weapons, collapsed. “it’s not really our style.”
“True as that is, a little field work never goes a miss, besides, they have a magic shield around the door, it is on par with the magics found in the Forest of the Epiales, making even Gods mortal, and susceptible to death, it seems like a worthy challenge.”
“And the hands?” Arora questioned once more waving the severed limb, Kamiya returned the gesture with the limb of her own, previously hung on the strap surrounding her belt.
“I thought it would be fun.” Dark Lord smiled, the group approaching from Arora’s flank howled in agony as they fell to the floor. She smiled brightly, as she and Kamiya slapped the two severed appendages together in a high five
“They never learn.” She sighed. “Really you thought it would be… fun?”
“Yes, it’s been a long time since our last scavenger hunt.” He replied coolly
“Yes, retrieving that amulet from Hero Corpse Mountain was a little tedious.” Kami sighed.
“As I recall, the bodies spread for miles”
“Ah yes, we do make a great team,” The Dark Lord smiled. “Anyway the access panel is just ahead… what do you make the count?” He turned to Arora to check his figures.
“Dead or Alive?”
“Alive of course, it would take far too long to count the dead, I stopped at two hundred.” He gave a playful sigh.
“I make it seventy one,” She paused, “fifty eight” she corrected as an echo of screams was heard before them.
“Ah…” Dark Lord stopped, “Kami, would you mind?” He questioned as they approached a nearby wall. “It is affected by the magic reflector”
“It would be my pleasure” she grinned pulling a cowering soldier from behind the crates, she extended her index nail into a claw drawing upon his trembling flesh a circle before placing a Obolus in his mouth. She stepped back a few paces smiling sadistically as the being exploded.
“Why do you do that? You know you don’t need to use a symbol” Arora questioned.
“I know, but it makes them panic.” She grinned playfully.
“Remind me again how you do that?”
“Easy, the human body contains many chemicals used in explosives, I simply made them react”
“Oh, I see, remind me not to make you angry” Arora stated stepping through the hole.
“This one is mine.” Dark Lord stated as he beheld the colossal figure that stood before them
“Okay” Kami answered in unison with Arora
Dark Lord’s footsteps echoed through the marble wall as he approached the figure that awaited him, they stood roughly the same height, but from the soon to be corpse’s face, you could see he misjudged the Lord’s appearance, the cadaver flexed its bulging muscles, sniggering as the slender figure approached. The sound of footsteps stopped as the first attack was launched, Dark Lord moved slightly dodging the attack, the figure let out what could only be described as a cry of joy.
“Such reactions! It seems you will prove a worthy adversary.”
“It is a shame I cannot say the same.” He answered wryly, with a wave of his hand a piecing light surrounded the figure reducing him to less than dust. “Ah here we are the control panel.” He stated dismissively. “Although I have to say, it seems a little too easy, do you still have your appendages?” Arora and Kami adjusted the hands to give a thumbs up motion and thrust them towards him, he smiled with faint amusement. “Very well.”
They approached the console each placing the hand on the designated scanner.
“You know, we could have just overridden the circuits…” Arora stated glancing to the panel.
“Yes, we also could have just taken the keys from the guard and come in the back way, but would you have had as much fun?” Dark Lord replied. “It has been some time since our last adventure, we had to make thing interesting somehow”
‘System deactivated welcome Mr Costy, Pain and Toffee,’
The doors slid open as the computerised voice resonated, there in the chamber, on a pedestal, stood a small piece of paper, the Dark Lord approached removing it carefully.
“What is it?” Arora questioned moving to take a look.
“It’s my grocery list, those idiots pinched it sometime ago and have been trying to create some kind of super weapon with it.”
“A grocery list?” Kamiya questioned flatly.
“Yes.” He nodded.
“They employed such heavy guarding for… a grocery list?”
“I never said they were clever did I?”
“Couldn’t you have written another one?”
“Yes but my pen ran out and going down the shop to get another just seemed like too much bother.” He laughed.